Dustin Pedroia on Onion Sports

So hey, I'm just chilling out at my spring training mansion and I put on that Onion Sports show, they aired a segment saying I vow to be "an even bigger prick than last year".

Hey, fuck you Onion Sports. Did you hear that Col. Gadhafi speech today where he said all of his people love him? He stole that shit right out of the autobiography I'm working on. Don't be so petty and jealous of my greatness.

Just because I get paid to hit bombs and make it rain at all the night clubs doesn't mean I'm a bad man. Enjoying going into Yankee Stadium and making children cry means I'm a bad man.

Dustin Pedroia on China

I heard China has banned Tibetan monks from reincarnating without permission from the government. Granted, it was a few years ago and I just heard about it but fuck you, I'm busy. Perfection doesn't create itself.

I knew those Chinamen were a little nutty, but come on. I hope whoever passed that law fell off cock mountain onto a pile of dicks

Dustin Pedroia on Ellis Hobbs

I hear our old friend Ellis is hanging up the helmet and calling it a career because he's been getting a lot of head and neck injuries. Sad. Who will dance like they won the Super Bowl after making a tackle at the end of a 75 yard catch now?

Dude really didn't capitalize on Plaxico shooting himself in the leg either, he should have challenged him to a rematch after that happened. Maybe with a bullet lodged in him Ellis could have actually covered him.

Dustin Pedroia at Batting Practice

I hear that warm weather up north has died down, I'll try to swing another wave of heat up there for ya. Gonna step to the plate soon, if you're coming to the park to watch bring your welding goggles, kids. Ever seen a cloud catch on fire?

Dustin Pedroia on Justin Bieber

Look, I understand 12 year old girls are going to love 16 year old obnoxious feminine boys that look younger than they do, but come on, kid. Are you like, making it your mission in life to be as genuinely unlikable as possible?

"Whatever they have in Korea, that's bad." Hey, sponge head, Korea is two separate countries, I split it down the middle with a moonshot off some shmuck throwing for the Royals. And that's like, #5,000 on your "dumbest quotes of all time" list. Learn something about the world or shut the fuck up about it, kay?

Dustin Pedroia on Dunkin Donuts

Look, I know I'm great and all, but I can't possibly be the only person that finds Dunkin Donuts calling February "chocolate lovers month" a really poorly timed marketing campaign.

Dustin Pedroia on Sushi

Going to go eat some tonight, fuck yeah. Do they keep that stuff alive in the back before it's ordered? I'd love an opportunity to kill something with my bare hands and every time I try to go after that queen A-Rod Tito gets all uppity.

Dustin Pedroia on the Bruins

Going to the game tonight, 9th row baby. That lunky Euro motherfucker Chara better put on a show or I'll wreck his shit. Has anybody ever charged the ice before?

Wow. Fifteen yards in about a minute and then a derp throw, that's about as feeble a two minute drill as you're gonna see. Ladies, lock your doors, Roethlispervert gonna be mad

Field goal? Aaron, you lopsided motherfucker. Preparing for the Roethlisberger march down the field for the victory which will be the only thing people remember despite him being trash the whole game

Why haven't you been dirty bombing to Wallace the whole game, Benny? Go big like I do, it works.

Getting close, the ladies better hope Pitt pulls this one off or somebody's vag is about to get destroyed good old fashioned grudge fuck style

Rodgers, the red zone isn't where you're supposed to debut your hopping rabbit impression, you fetal alcohol syndrome goofball. Nice throw after.

I guess 85 on the Steelers is sporting his IQ for a number. Fumble did everything but hit him in the fucking face and he didn't go for it. C'mon man, you gotta dominate like I do

Awesome kick Suisham. You think you were punting, dawg?

Awesome facemask penalty, brah. Wasn't aware facemasks were in the middle of your chest.

Nice TD throw by Ben. He just needed that Raji hit to the face to get him going, reminded him of what happens when he tries to have sex

A car that has a button for Facebook built into it. Gee, what a great and in no way whatsoever completely retarded and irresponsible idea. "in a car crash lol"

I'm going to start shotgunning a beer every time the Steelers offense goes to the sideline, because I'm pretty sure that's what Roethlisberger is doing.

Oh good, another Transformers movie. Don't worry, eventually they'll run out of explosion effects and make something that isn't shit.

Nice pass, Ben. Leave the drinking before a big game to pros like Cutler.

Enough of this block in the back shit, it's getting ridiculous. You don't see me getting penalized every time I make an amazing play, dudes be getting turned around, it's inevitable and retarded when its flagged every fucking kick

Damn, Rodgers is getting the shit beat out of him like I do to inside fastballs. Still getting it done, way to go Captain Downs

Oh nice, actually start relatively on time when I'm trying to work the guns. Fucking NFL.

So kickoff is scheduled for 6:30, what are we thinking? Probably around 7:03 or so. That's cool, it'll give me a chance to do some reps

Oh good, the Fox Super Bowl Pregame Show. Nothing gets me amped up for the football championship like a shitty band playing some gay song, some airhead talking to Jennifer Aniston about her hair for ten minutes and then the same shitty band playing another gay song.

Super Bowl Live Blogging

Hey folks, just finished off my Black Ops pregame match. Half asleep 35-7 ruthless bringer of misery, I hope all those shitty players know how lucky they are to get me seven times.

I will be live blogging during tonight's game about my thoughts on these inferior athletic specimens and break down what's happening better than that douche Joe Buck can. Also, Christ, somebody has to point out how boring the Black Eyed Peas are and the network sure as shit ain't gonna.

Dustin Pedroia on the Super Bowl

What's with all these reporters talking about ice falling off the stadium like they're in such danger? If I see ice falling towards my head I kung fu chop that shit into like a billion pieces. Free snowcones for everybody, motherfucker.

I don't really care who wins this game. On one side, you got a big lunky guy that refuses to be stopped when he's advancing, he's also pretty good at not getting tackled on a football field. On the other side you got the Autistic half brother of that guy from The Office who's been in the league like six years and looks like he's fucking 50. Flip a coin, I'll be half paying attention on one TV, mostly busy watching old tapes of me smashing balls all over New England on the bigscreen.

Dustin Pedroia on Broken Arrow

Man, I'm watching this movie and Christian Slater is a dumbass, he spends like half the movie keeping some dumb broad from breaking her ass when all she does is get in the way. If I was in this movie it'd be about fifteen minutes long because I'd wreck Travolta's. Fucking juggernaut. 

Live from the weight room

Was just working the guns for a couple hours. As a demigod I'm naturally ripped, but I like to pump some iron just to enhance it and make me a ridiculously buff killing machine.

Got distracted by myself in the mirror. Saw Brady after, was like "dude why are you in Boston, don't you have a game to get ready for?" He got super pissed, ha ha.

Dustin Pedroia on iPhones

So I hear Verizon had the best launch day sale numbers ever for this thing. The consumers have spoken, and they like paying $200 to be a pretentious piece of shit.

Dustin Pedroia on the Bruins/Stars Game

I hear the Bruins and Stars got into three fights in the first four seconds of tonights game. Way to waste a second, you fucking pansies.

Dustin Pedroia on blogger default templates

This shit sucks, if I wasn't too busy hitting 20,000ft home runs I'd probably run this bitch and tell it how to be better. If blogger wants to improve itself, it should look at my stats and try to emulate them. Too bad it can't because it sucks and I kick ass.

I guess what I'm trying to say is if anybody wants to fuck with HTML and stuff to make this look better, I will considering validating your life by responding and saying okay.