Dustin Pedroia on Shaq

Hey guys, I just saw Shaq on TV in a basketball uniform in a New England Market! Comedy Central was airing Scary Movie 4. Ha ha, got you.

Dustin Pedroia on Proofreading

NBA.com, and I fucking quote

"The Heat closed the first half with a furious to steal all momentum heading into halftime. "

Bravo, guys. Furious is only a noun when referring to my massive cock. I mean, Christ, I'm pretty drunk (D Pizzle knows how to party) and I noticed that immediately. These are the people that won't hire me. The people that straight sober think "with a furious to steal" is a complete thought.

Hey, NBA.com. Don't call me. I'm better than you. Please take all the time you need to prove me wrong. Unleash a furious on me if needed, retards.

Dustin Pedroia on the Japan Earthquakes

Uh, shit. I knew my swing was powerful but..... sorry guys

Yes, I know this one is really tasteless but at least I'm not going LOL PEARL HARBOR REVENGE HURR like those retards on Twitter

Dustin Pedroia on Tuukka Rask

Really brilliant move to start your shitty backup against the Canadiens there, Julien. Totally not a big game against a good opponent or anything. Motherfucker couldn't stop a turtle with a nuclear warhead.

Hey, Tito, why don't we start the regular season with me on the pitching mound while we're at it?

Actually, that's a pretty fucking amazing idea.

Dustin Pedroia on Charlie Sheen

Dude. I mean, it was moderately entertaining when you were in that lucid "shits crazy into a bowl and eats it for breakfast" mode, but now you're acting. Now you're Charlie Sheen trying to be Charlie Sheen. It's boring, it doesn't work.

Nobody is impressed with a celebrity sitting at home blowing lines of coke, we've seen that a few times. You want to impress me? Sit down in a room with two 30 racks and Papelbon and finish one before he does, I've seen that guy close out an ALCS on the mound then get shitfaced before the commercial break ends.

Dustin Pedroia on public bathrooms

Just saying, pissing into a urinal while chewing a mouthful of pretzels is about as good as life gets. I mean, you get some weird looks like "where the fuck did this guy get pretzels" but it's worth it. If anything, that makes it better. Bring a bag, shove half of it in your mouth, then go piss in front of as many people as you can find. That's the Pedroia lifestyle, motherfucker.